Anger and frustration languages
Put the love languages in the bag for a second
Like most concepts showcased on social media nowadays, I feel the concept of love languages has been sensationalised, over-exaggerated and dramatised. Call me a hater (I am), but it feels like it’s been over-simplified and commercialised by obvious culprits. There’s also a sense of entitlement, narrow-endedness and rigidity associated with it.
“If they don’t cater to my love language, they don’t love me.”
“You MUST do this because it’s my love language”
Off the road, please.
So what’s my problem?
I appreciate love languages, I see the need for their recognition. I have some of my own too (all of them). I just think it should not be transactional and both parties should mutually try to learn each other’s love languages and not be super demanding of theirs while neglecting the other person. Communication over entitlement.
I’m tired of talking about love
Sike, I lied. I was with a group of people recently and I’d just finished Amina’s article so it was top of mind. I uttered the words: “Romance is dead and I’m the one that killed it”
My friend looked at me and said: “But you’re the one always bringing it up”
I was dumbfounded, because she had a point. There’s always one thing or the other going on in my love life and I keep advocating against giving yourself to anyone undeserving because of obvious reasons. At the same time, I can’t seem to shut up about it. Unfortunately for you dear reader, I have a blog and I’d write about it till I cannot anymore.
Love is not enough
Love languages are sweet, but you’ve probably heard this before:
“Love is not enough”.
There’s a lot more work that goes into maintaining a relationship (even platonic ones) beyond the thrill that overwhelms us when we deal with someone we love. Any relationship has its ups and downs and everyone wants to ride the wave most times (I know I want to), but to deny that the downs will not show up (rarely, I hope), is to be in delusion.
I was thinking about the downs folks experience in romantic and platonic relationships and I wondered if there were anger or frustration languages. How does your partner react when they’re angry? How do they want to be addressed? What should you do, what should you not do?
So, do anger languages exist?
Anger and frustration languages
Of course they do. I must admit, I did not quite find what I was looking for. To fulfil all righteousness, I’d still share what I found. There are five anger languages which represent how some people handle their anger and what they do when put in an uncomfortable position.
Some of the anger languages as found on an article:
Righteous: “I’m right, you’re wrong.” This is described as anger driven by a sense of superiority, which often leads to one partner bringing up past issues that may have already been resolved to prove they are lesser at fault.
My comments: How will you live your life so blindly that you always think you’re in the right. I find it stressful even going back and forth with folks like this. Yes, you’re right and I’m wrong. Now, leave me alone.
Indignation: “How could you?” This type of anger centres around one party feeling unfairly wronged, which can foster defensiveness in the other. This type of anger also creates a situation where one person feels like a victim and the other the perpetrator.
My comments: This is the one I see a bit of sense in. When hurt by someone you trust, you get put through so many stages of emotion and it’s very hard to accept that they could do that to you.
Retribution: “You’ll pay for that!” This anger language is typical in abusive situations. The angry person often keeps score of who has done what to whom in the past and is fueled by revenge or the inability to forgive. They believe in an ‘eye for an eye,’ even over long periods, resulting in long-term resentment and an inability to resolve the underlying issue.
My comments: All is fair in love and war. An eye for an eye. Tit for Tat. I get it. I don’t think I’ve ever been in this position, or at least I cannot remember. I try to be indifferent nowadays. It’s stressful plotting revenge or waiting for the perfect time to one-up someone. I just let them be.
Distraction: “What about that time when…?” This is the typical behavior of the person who would instead focus on deflecting responsibility and prefer to shift the attention away from the original issue. It can also be a form of gaslighting and a way for one person to avoid taking responsibility for their part played in the conflict.
My comments: These people piss me off so much. It’s like point-scoring. They’re the types to point-score when they do good things for you too. I’m getting uneasy even writing this out.
To borrow a famous Yoruba sentence:
"Ma si iregun” → Don’t constantly remind someone of a good deed you've done for them
Justification: “You had it coming.” This insidious form of anger uses moral reasoning to validate anger and behavior, rendering the other person the target and responsible party for the original issue. Again, this is often the type of anger seen in abusive situations and quite typically among narcissists.
My comments: No comment. Read my post about narcissists
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Which one am I?
I doubt I fall in four of the categories above. I’ve been hurt by people I laid so much trust in so yes, I’ve found it jarring that they could do such heinous things to me.
What was I looking for?
I kept digging and digging and the results I found were centred around the five languages outlined above. What I was looking for was a more physical representation of those anger languages. I know we have:
People that want to talk about the issue immediately
People that need space and need time to process it.
I quickly found out that this might be closer to attachment styles than anger languages and that’s fair. Maybe I’d write about it one day, maybe (I will). If you have any ideas, please share in the comments and let me know what you think about the anger languages!
L4TL❤️